literature

The Lettuce Conspiracy

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Kathleanore's avatar
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Literature Text

You must excuse me for making you see me in this situation. I know it must be a strange sight: a grown man armed with a torch light, wearing a tiny Superman shirt, guarding lettuce in the backyard in the depth of night. I'd lie if I'd tell you I ended up here totally innocent. Let me try to explain.

Me, my wife and our two kids moved into our new suburban home back in winter a couple of months ago. My wife and I have been looking for a small house with a large garden in a quiet and friendly area for a while. Our kids – to make that clear right away – didn't. For them, it was the last proof needed to be able to tell everyone that their dad turned into one of the oldest and most of all dullest guys they know. In short, I was the reason their young life ended before it even began. While they celebrated their interminable boredom, my wife found great joy in growing vegetables in the backyard.

We both agree that children need a healthy diet and that vegetables should be part of it. There's just this one thing: She became obsessed with lettuce. While I'd usually agree that children need to develop a taste for a variety of food – lettuce, in my opinion, under no circumstances whatsoever, needs to be part of that. They can't stand it and neither can I. My wife though is taking the view that parents need to be role-models and insists that I'm supposed – no, that it is my duty as a father - to enjoy eating this nightmare of a plant wholeheartedly, to encourage our offspring to do the same. I don't think my children have to like lettuce. You can grow up perfectly fine without liking, let alone eating it. I certainly did.

Half of our garden is filled with rows and rows of lettuce. She even planted them at different times to prolong the harvest. I tried quite a few things to end this culinary torture. I started with taking my wife and the kids out for dinner, until one of the downsides of living in the suburbs became apparent: there just aren't many restaurants. My next strategy involved inviting friends over – again the suburbs proved to be an obstacle, since most of them live in the city. As a last resort, I resolved to start cooking myself. The kids seemed to have noticed what my devious intentions were and we started bonding over pancakes and rice pudding. All to no avail. While my coolness-factor rose, our coerced lettuce intake didn't plummet. My wife managed to find opportunities to bless us with lettuce in every possible form. Cooked, baked, grilled, exotic salads, the ways of preparation seem to be unlimited. Unlike the rest of us, she doesn't seem to grow tired of it.

Two weeks ago, my hopes began to rise. My wife started to complain about snails eating away her treasured goods. At night, in our garden, horrible crimes took place that resulted in the death of her beloved lettuces. I couldn't quite share my wife's horror – to the great enjoyment of our kids. The most unlikely and dullest person they could think of suddenly became their closest ally.

That gave me an idea. I formed a plan. I would end the lettuce era. The next evening, when taking the dog for the usual walk, I found two hungry looking snails that didn't seem to mind a side trip into our garden. The plan seemed to work. The next day my wife started to insist, should the snail problem get worse, I would have need to take action. Little did she know. Over the course of the next week I picked up every snail I could possibly find and resettled them. The lettuce began to become rare and rarer, victory was close at hand.

Alas, on Saturday my wife came home with a whole bunch of lettuce seedlings. On Sunday morning, after the tragic loss of a seedling, she held a powwow to tackle the snail problem once and for all. We both couldn't bear the thought of killing the snails, so I offered to collect them and take them with me when I'd walk the dog in the evening. I spent the whole day collecting my precious comrades, put them in a small bucket and waited for nightfall. That evening I took both the dog and the bucket for a walk, all of us made it safe into our home and garden. My wife didn't have a clue. One week without any lettuce followed. My wife reluctant to give up. She collected the snails in the morning and took them with her on her walk, I brought them back in the evening. It turned into a very effective daily routine.

I don't know at what point my wife became suspicious. Usually she goes to bed before I come back home with the dog. This doomed Friday evening she didn't. While I came back home with a couple of new pets for our garden, my wife was waiting for me and caught me red-handed. Her anger was cold and silent and I knew the look on her face all too well. For her I was a traitor, for the kids I was a hero. Their old, gray haired dad not only saved them, but also risked his marriage for a greater good. In a festive ceremony they handed me over the youngest ones beloved Superman T-Shirt. My wife couldn't share our feelings of victory. She made clear that, should even one more lettuce get as much as a small bite out of it, or let alone eaten away, she wouldn't cook anything else for the next year. She can be very determined and I have no doubt she'd hold up to her words. I'm not guarding the lettuce without any pride though.
I really hope you enjoyed this one! Please +fav it or leave a comment if you did (or didn't).

Many thanks for helping me polish this story go to: fmrichter 


I really like feedback and constructive criticism. I know that critiquing others can be quite hard, scary and time consuming. If critiques aren't your thing and you don't know where to start, you'd help me greatly if you'd answer some of my questions never the less. There's no need to answer all of them or to stick with them! They derive more or less from my personal cheat sheet when I write a comment on a literary work - So pick the ones you like or just look through the comments and see if you can add something to the conversation.* You by no means need to be a writer yourself or bring any special qualities to make your feedback valuable for me. I promise that if you keep a friendly tone, I won't be upset, even if you tell me why you hate my story.

1) Language: I'm not a native speaker. Any feedback on grammar, typos, choice of words, you name it, is invaluable for me! Did I overuse certain words? Be ruthless! Did my use of language sound artificial or unnatural to you? How apparent was it to you that the story wasn't written by a native speaker? 
2) About you: Was it the kind of story (genre, content, style) you'd normally read? Does that influence your take on this story?
3) Hook: Where did you find the story? What made you decide to read it? Did you read the whole thing?
4) Synopsis: In a few words, what do you think the story (on face value) is about?
5) Clarity: Was there anything that confused you or that wasn't clear enough to understand the story? Did you have to scroll back and look for details you might have missed out?
6) Length: Was the story to long/short? Did you get bored by to many details or felt rushed through the story by a lack of details?
7) Characters: Was the character description clear enough to get a feeling for the main character? Where you able to relate to him/them? Where you, despite the fact that there is no physical description of them, able to picture the father or the family in your head? Do you think the lack of physical descriptions is a draw back?
8) Logic/Believability/Conflict: Was there anything in the story that defies logic or causality? Do you think his actions are believable reactions? Was there enough(internal/external) conflict in the story to keep you engaged?
9) Style: I tried to achieve a sort of diary-ish/monologue-ish kind of style. Did this style work for you? Do you think the lack of dialogue is a draw back? 

* Questions edited on: December, 30, 2015; To be able to make sense of older comments, the old set of questions can be found here: sta.sh/01jzjrcn9vdg

  
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© 2015 - 2024 Kathleanore
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FezInTheAbyss's avatar
I think that the story is well done, but a tad anticlimactic. Perhaps the wife could have had a larger or stranger freak out to accompany the build up. All in all though, I think you did well.  

1) I'm no grammar wizard, but I think you did an excellent job on most punctuation and word choice. Hell, I grew up with this language and I couldn't do half as well.
2) I have read and enjoyed stories of a similar genre. I got a strong vibe of those "Weenie" books, if you've ever read those. 
3) You had me at "The Lettuce Conspiracy." How could I not read that?
4) Family's conspiracy against wife with lettuce obsession goes awry.
5) I didn't quite understand exactly why the wife was so addicted to lettuce, but I'm not sure it was really needed.
6) I think it was a fine length for a story of this sort.
7) I think that the suburban family archetype has been used for so long that we all kind of have the descriptions already in our heads. It actually kind of helped the story not get bogged down in exposition.
8) I think that this pushes the boundaries of normal circumstance just enough to be odd, but not enough to be unbelievable. A nice in between.
9) I think you used it well, and would like to see you develop this style further.